Discover and focus on your strengths (hers)

You know you've had a good conversation when it keeps you up until 2:00am just thinking about it.

This past weekend, Bob, our oldest son, his girlfriend, and I exchanged the results of our "VIA Survey of Character Strengths" test over dinner.  This test -- referenced in multiple positive psychology books and countless articles -- lists your top character strengths after answering over 200 multiple choice questions.  It takes 20 minutes to complete, but led to hours of conversation.  You can take the test at www.authentichappiness.com.

Being aware of your character strengths lets you structure your personal and professional life around using and developing your specific traits.  If "Citizenship, teamwork, and loyalty" is one of your top strengths, create group team building activities at work or find local clubs in which you can interact with others while pursuing what you enjoy.  If "Curiosity and Interest in the World" is a top strength, pick up a new hobby, download a TED Talk, or spend 20 minutes reading through Wikipedia.  If "Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence" is a strength, attend a live concert, find local galleries to explore, or go out of your way to compliment a family member on something they did well.

Positive Psychology tells us to develop our strengths, structure our professional lives around them, and find ways to engage in activities that utilize them.

"Work on your strengths, not your weaknesses. How many of your New Year's resolutions have been about fixing a flaw?  And how many of those resolutions have you made several years in a row?  It's difficult to change any aspect of your personality by sheer force of will, and if it is a weakness you choose to work on, you probably won't enjoy the process. …But you don't really have to be good at everything.  Life offers so many chances to use one tool instead of another, and often you can use a strength to get around a weakness."

Jonathan Haidt, The Happiness Hypothesis

The most interesting discovery in our family discussion was just how different everyone's strengths were.  A husband and wife can be perfect for each other and still have drastically different strengths.  Oftentimes, it's these different but complementary strengths that enhance a relationship.  However, not recognizing these differences can lead to miscommunication, misunderstanding, and stress.  Recognizing the strengths of those closest to you may be just as important as recognizing your own strengths.

After you've completed the strengths test, compare your results with the results from last week's activity, "Identify your Top 10 Values."  You quickly realize how what you're good at, and what you value, may be different.  If one of your Top 10 Values is "Caring," but "Capacity to Love and Be Loved" is lower on your strengths list, you can find ways to care for those around you by using other strengths.  Or you could work on that specific strength, and turn it into a personal approach goal for 2012.

Our values and strengths will naturally grow and evolve in time, but what they evolve into is up to us.  And it all starts with awareness.

Identify Your Top 10 Values (his)

I am reading "Curious" by Todd Kashdan, Ph.D. Todd is a member of our Advisory Board. I highly recommend this book. In his book (pp. 96-99) he provides the exercise below.

Understanding our values is an important part of being happy. The more your actions, activities, relationships, work and daily life revolve around your values the greater your chances of maximizing your happiness. However, we often don't even consciously make the connection between our values and our daily activities. The first part of the process is making sure you've identified your top values.

Below is a list of values. Go through them. Think about them. Think about how they're different and then choose your top 10. Once you've selected your top 10 then rank them from #1 to #10. Then think about how much of your day involves supporting or working with those values. If you find areas where your activities are working against your values, find ways to cease those activities as soon as possible. Then work on making sure your actions mesh with your top 10 values.

Values List:
Acceptance - To be accepted as I am
Achievement - To set goals and make important accomplishments
Accuracy - To be accurate in my opinions and beliefs
Attractiveness - To be physically attractive
Authority - To be in charge and lead, command, and be responsible for others
Autonomy - To be independent and in control of my thoughts and actions as opposed to being controlled by outside influences
Caring - To take care of others and be kind and generous
Challenge - To take on difficult and demanding tasks and problems
Commitment - To make enduring, meaningful commitments
Conformity - To respect rules, be obedient, and meet societal obligations
Contribution - To make a lasting impact on the world
Cooperation - To work collaboratively with others
Courtesy - To be considerate and polite toward others
Creativity - To be considerate and polite toward others
Dependability - To be honest, reliable, and responsible
Faithfulness - To be loyal and trustworthy in relationships
Family - To create and sustain a happy, loving family
Genuineness - To act in a a manner that is true to who I am
God's Will - To seek and obey the will of God
Growth - To continue learning, changing, and evolving
Health - To be physically well and healthy
Hedonism - To simply enjoy myself and satisfy my desires
Helpfulness - To be helpful to others
Humor - To see the humorous side of myself and the world
Industry - To work hard and well at my life tasks
Inner Peace - To seek out and experience tranquility and serenity
Knowledge - To learn and contribute valuable knowledge
Loving - To give love to others
Mastery - To be competent in my everyday activities
Order - To have a life that is well-ordered and organized
Popularity - To be well-liked by many people
Power - To gain social status and prestige
Purpose - To have meaning and direction in my life
Romance - To have intense, exciting love in my life
Safety - To be safe and secure
Security - To protect loved ones, my community, and/or my nation
Self-control - To be disciplined in my own actions
Self-esteem - To feel good about myself
Self-sufficient - To take care of myself without being dependent on others
Spirituality - To grow and mature spiritually by connecting to things bigger than myself
Stability - To have a life that stays relatively consistent
Stimulation - To actively seek out adventure and create a life filled with novelty and variety
Tolerance - To accept other people, as well as opinions and beliefs differing from my own
Tradition - To respect and preserve the past and maintain order through tradition and customs
Universalism - To create a sense of harmony among different people and preventing war and conflict; to create a sense of unity with nature and protecting it
Virtue - To live a morally pure and excellent life
Wealth - To have plenty of money
Insert your own unlisted value

Do this exercise with a friend, loved one or someone very close to you. Share your values with others and work on aligning your life with your values. You'll be happy you did.