Guy Friends and Happiness (his)

I read a recent blog in Psychology Today from one of our Advisory Board members, Prof. Todd Kashdan.  His blog, entitled Why Men Have A Harder Time Making Friends, struck a chord with me.  He states in the blog “the manly pursuit of status, power, wealth, and autonomy leads to great rewards in work and play but at the expense of loving, caring friendships.”  Layer on that the understanding that loving and caring friendships are the basis of true happiness and you get to the heart of male unhappiness.

According to studies and my own experience, guys have a hard time developing male friendships after they leave college and enter the workforce.  At that point male relationships tend to fall into two categories, (1) high school and college buddies (our closest and most enduring relationships) and (2) work colleagues.  The primary exception to this is guy-friends-we-know-because-our-wives-are-friends.  Women, on the other hand, tend to acquire friendships wherever they go and continually build those friendships throughout their lives.  It is no surprise women live longer.

Guys are funny about building relationships later in life.  For example, when I worked at GE I played basketball twice a week during lunch with a group of guys at a nearby community college gym.  I played with these same guys for over 6 years.  After 6 years I knew their first names and their various basketball skill levels (since that was important to picking teams and game strategy) but that’s about it.  We didn’t socialize outside the gym.  I didn’t know if they were married, had kids or much of anything personal about them.  We didn’t share anything intimate and never became what I would call “friends”.  But, we did share a certain bond and enjoyed our time together.  My wife found the lack of social connection remarkably odd.  Most guys, however, likely relate and have a similar story.

When I left GE in 2008 my social circle shrunk dramatically.  I realized most of my male friendships had centered on work.  Outside of work I had nurtured few lasting relationships.  As I’ve learned more about the importance of relationships to our happiness I’ve made a more conscious effort to build friendships, especially with men.  But, I’ve found it’s hard because (1) I’m dealing with guys and guys are not prone to new friendships later in life and (2) most of the men I know are busy with family, work and the general stresses of life.  Maybe that’s why research shows that middle age is the least happy period of our lives.

Despite the obstacles of developing male relationships I have been able to grow a handful of friendships I would consider close and personal.  With these guys I can be honest, open and expect sound feedback.  Only one lives nearby and I only have periodic contact with any one of them.  But as I piece together phone calls, texts, e-mails and Christmas cards I find I’m able to cobble together a small but growing support system of men who are leading me to greater happiness.